Books

True Life: I Spent Senior Year In A Coffin-Sized Box

FIND HER by Lisa Gardner

A Review

If Law & Order SVU and Criminal Minds had a seriously fucked up baby you’d get FIND HER by Lisa Gardner. And I am so into it.

Let’s set the scene for this book, shall we? Page one: a girl wakes up in a literal coffin. It’s casual. After an entire chapter of listening to this girl simultaneously freak the fuck out while also memorizing the intricate details of this box more than Chris Harrison memorizes his “pep talks” to Nick Viall, we learn that Box Girl is none other than Flora Danes, the Boston co-ed who went missing over spring break and was rescued after 472 days of captivity.

Seven years ago, Flora was all of us living her best life on spring break in Florida with her betches. Until one night she drinks too much (same, girl) and ditches her friends at the bar to go hang out on the beach alone (weird, but okay). Next thing she knows she’s waking up in a pine box, and spends the next 472 as a sex slave for a psychopath.

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Cue to present day, Flora is alive and not in a pine box anymore, though she’s still living it up in clubs. But unlike in her youth, Flora isn’t at the club just to order vodka sodas and flirt with random dudes, she’s there for revenge. Victim-turned-vigilante, she now spends her nights trolling for club creeps and fucking them up before they can hurt any other girls.

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When one of her creeps ends up dead at her hands, Boston detectives learn all about Flora’s bad AF extracurricular activities, and they can’t help but think she might be involved in the recent disappearances of several missing college girls. Who is Flora Danes and is she a victim or a predator?

Told through Flora’s past and present we come to learn who exactly Flora Danes is and what her role is in these missing girls’ disappearances. We also get the perspective from the lead detective on the case, D.D. Warren, which is kind of interesting but I love Flora’s chapters’ way more. I don’t know if I love or hate her, but she’s definitely some kind of psycho and I do love that.

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FIND HER will legit captivate you from the very first sentence. Seriously, I dare you not to keep reading. And though the book doesn’t go into too much detail about the trauma Flora experienced at the hands of her psychopath, like Leah Remini’s new Scientology series, it’s just enough detail to keep you sickeningly fascinated.

In conclusion, if you’re into having the shit scared out of you while also reading a good fucking book then FIND HER is definitely for you. Seriously, even Olivia Benson approves.

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Books

How To Lose A Hipster In 10 Days

THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF NATHANIEL P. by Adelle Waldman

A Review

You know when your boyfriend does something so fucking stupid you actually can’t see straight and then he tells you to read The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance or some shit so you’ll understand where he’s coming from? That’s, like, the whole fucking point of THE LOVE AFFAIRS OF NATHANIEL P. by Adelle Waldman.

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NATHANIEL P. follows Nate Piven, unemployed writer and rising star in the New York literary scene as he tries to navigate through both his career and his love life. After years of trying to prove himself in the writing community he suddenly has his pick of both magazine assignments and women: Elisa, his sexy AF ex-girlfriend (whom Blake Lively would totally play in the movie), Juliet, see the definition of Side Chick; and Hannah, a Nice Girl.

The book particularly focuses on his relationship with Hannah. After meeting at a mutual friend’s party he immediately dismisses her as plain and boring (GTFO Nate, you ain’t special) until they go on a date. They bond over red wine and their sad writing careers and proceed to kind of fall in love.

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Nate’s career really starts to take off and Hannah gets more attached to their relationship because she is a human with feelings, and then just as he gains some notoriety Nate dumps her BECAUSE OF COURSE HE DOES. Le sigh.

Reading this book is a little like living inside the mind of Dan Humphrey as he sits down to blast a bunch of bitches on GG.

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Nate is the definition of a Williamsburg hipster right down to the craft beer he probably brews himself in his $2,000+/month loft. His lack of self-awareness is probably the best aspect of this story though. He spends much of the novel having high anxiety about being perceived as an “asshole” and then acts like an asshole. Similar to any Bachelor contestant ever, he is completely shocked that fucking around with multiple women will actually blow up in his face.

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Even though Nate lite-weight makes me want to set fires, the story itself is actually pretty damn good. Set against the amazing backdrop that is lower Manhattan, the story feels very honest and very now. Plus Waldman’s writing is so on point she’ll make you want to fall in love in city but also cry over your Bumble messages (#NotAnAd) and grow old with your cats.

So if you’ve ever wondered why the guy you were seeing suddenly stopped calling and deleted you off SnapChat (looking at you, Tinder Alex) then you should read this book. It’s an in-depth look at fuck boys, too real at times, and hilarious in an if-I-don’t-laugh-I’ll-blow-my-fucking-brains-out kind of way. So read it or don’t read it. Either way love is dead.

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